Summer Time in the City

Last night a bunch of us hit up a sand volleyball court down by one of the local Marina's and played until dark.  It was nice to be able to wear shorts and feel the sunshine on my skin.  To have left work before the sun had already set for the day.  I had people back to my place and we ate pizza on the patio.  Today I have tickets to my first Red's game of the season.  It is supposed to be in the 80's again today.  I am so happy it is sunny--I need it!! 

As to the rest of my life I work too much, but I am trying to find a way to make my workload be balaned with everything else I want to do outside of my office. I am trying to grow a couple plants this summer, becuase I have my own yard, so why not?  I am going to a class at church about going deeper, to learn more about spiritual disciplines.  Darrin and I have begun to take dance lessons from a friend.  I am counting down the days until I go on my next vacation, and in the meanwhile the wedding and shower season has begun. Needless to say I am busy.

For now, I need to go find a red shirt to sport my "root for the home team" spirit. 

2008: A Mixed Bag

Last year was crazy.  I can't down play the truth, that would just be a lie.  2008 was a mixed bag of emotions, with amazing highs and amazing lows--it was the scariest roller coaster I've ridden yet.

I started the year off with a new law firm, still living with my parents and looking to officially "get out on my own"--in my career, my personal life, and even in my finances.  I was ready to be independent for "real"--no more school, no more living in grad dorms, no more homework--just life after higher education.  But what does that entail?

I started working 50-60 hour weeks (Preety sure this is a Low).  Several good friends got married, and I was lucky enough to be able to attend their beautiful weddings. (High).  I almost got married, and then all the lies came out the day before I picked up my wedding dress. (Low).  I got a hearing for sanctions scheduled against me. (Low).  I went and spent some time on the West Coast visiting friends and family. (High). I started going to a new church with a strong group of young adults. (High).  I tried a blind date for the first time ever. (Low).  I re-found strength in my faith. (High).  I met this great guy named Darrin at my friend's 30th birthday party. (High).  He asked me out, and our first date was a dinner on a Tuesday night that lasted for 3 and 1/2 hours. (Great High).  I attended my sanctions hearing and the Judge apologized to me on the record and dismissed the sanctions. (High).  I made several weekend visits to and from family and friends in other states, and Katie and Billy and Will came to visit. (Busy, but a High).  I made it to my annual review--"they like me, they really like me!"--I got a raise. (High).  My sister had a beautiful baby boy, named Caleb Michael. (Big High). I attended a Christmas show and witnessed a girl fall to her death, I had just met her the week before. (Low) Darrin took me on a cruise for his family's Christmas--I got to visit Grand Cayman, and Jamaica. (High).  I visited some family in Grand Rapids for Christmas, and got to catch up with a few old friends. (High).  I came back to many hours in the office. (Low). I spent with New Years with several friends--some old, many new--and dancing was involved. (High).

Even though last year was crazy, and I feel like the best parts were crammed into the last 3 months of it--when I look back I see one theme--God.  In all the Lows, many more things turned out to be Highs.  And even in the Lows, He used them to bring me closer to him, to pursue Him over everything else. 

At Crossroads this past weekend, we heard an interesting sermon.  And in one part, Brian, the pastor, made a reference to an analogy that was originally made in a movie.  And the Grandma character in the movie explained that the roller coaster is better than the Merry-go-Round, b/c on one there are highs and lows, on the other you go in circles and get nowhere. 

I don't necessarily think I am quite up to living another year like 2008, but at the same time, I want to ride another roller coaster with God this year.  

The Pursuit of Good Advice

I think the best advice I have ever gotten, or gave, is: "Contiue to trust God, to seek Him above all else and the rest of life will follow."  I know this is true, yet I need reminding of this good adivce daily. 

I had a good friend randomly call me the other night, and I loved that he called.  Sometimes God sends you little reminders that He is watching and listening to our hearts, and this phone call was one of them.  I don't think I would have made it this far in life with out the friends and amazing people God has placed in my life, and this friend gave me the same old good advice that I needed to hear.  Good thing he called.  My heart smiled when I hung up the phone. 

I have been reading the Bible more, and praying more, and investing more in other people who I think I might be able to help along the way.  And I think this is part of what I need to do to seek God, but it doesn't mean that I sometimes forget to seek Him first.  Sometimes we are so busy being pursued by this world, or just wanting to be pursued, we forget to seek. 

I recently went back to California for a short trip.  The vacation time was much needed, and for the first time in a long time I felt at peace with my heart.  But there are days when I think of going back  to the West Coast for good, and then I have to ask myself if I am trying to run?  Am I just looking for something else in this life to pursue?  Why haven't I found that reason to stand still yet?  Because when it comes down to it--there is a difference between running, being pursued, and seeking God.

But maybe I just have to talk to God, to seek Him, and then maybe I will be able to stand still while I listen to his response? 

Something to Look Forward To

At some point I will find time to sit down, and tell each person I care about, what happened.  Because the people I care about deserve to know the truth.  Right now, I am making it through one to two people a week.  But I will get there, it just takes a lot.  If I haven't made it to you yet, it isn't because I don't care--I just can only cry so much each week. 

Right now I am just asking "why?"  I promised myself at a very young age that I would always try NOT to be a "why me" person.  Becuase of circumstances back then, and life, I think I've been pretty good about this promise to myself.  But right now, I'm at a low, at the end of the day, I really want to ask "why me?" 

And it's the little things... Today, I was walking back from a bathroom break, and I went to fiddle with my ring like I always did after washing my hands, and realized it wasn't there.  It wasn't ever going to be there. 

And last week, I was driving home from work, and I saw our wedding photographer cross the street in front of me with another happy couple for their engagement session--just like we had done a couple weeks before--ironic, that my pictures were ready for viewing that same day. 

Or a friend telling a funny story about their husband, and thinking, even if he is being a butthead today, at least you get to fall asleep next to him tonight. 

I was so ready to just be myself with my best friend, to come home to a sounding board and a hug.  And now I come home to thoughts that haunt me...hopefully new thoughts will take their place soon.  I want a good reason to try to get out of work as soon as I can at the end of the day again...I'm not sure what that will be yet, maybe that reason will be more time with friends that have been hard to catch up with lately, or more weekend trips just because I can go for the weelend, but I'm going to start looking for a new "something to look forward to."

And for so many people praying about the situation, I'm still having trouble feeling God.  Funny, how that works.  Talking to Him, being mad at Him, wanting to ask "why?" instead of just trusting Him, but that's how I react.  Maybe God's just using this to force me to talk to Him more again, or listen to Him more...  Right now, I guess, I just need more prayers because I just don't know how long it will take to feel Him again...

I know in Him all things are right. I know most wounds can be healed with time.  I know "calling it off" was the right thing to do in this situation.  It just doesn't make that hole in my heart smaller today, maybe not tomorrow either, but someday.  Maybe it will be the same someday I have "something new to look forward to."  Or maybe yet, I will stop looking forward, and just finally look up.

A Love Story

So I've been informed by my sister that I really need to update my blog because I am officially no longer "the girl in the middle of the boat."  She's right I did get engaged back in March.  But before I tell you about how I got engaged, let me tell you about a love story that took place two summers ago...

In March of 2006 I found myself in a precarious position.  I did not have a job or intership lined up for my second summer in law school, and that position was supposed to be what launched me into my first job after law school.  After much debate, and a realistic look at the dying economy of Michigan, I decided to take a chance and to move back in with my parents.  Most people, wouldn't call it a "chance" to move back home.  But when your parents have moved 6 hours away from the last home you lived in with them, and in a state you never planned on moving too, I'd like to say I was taking a "chance."  My mom called over to her corporate counsel contact and asked if they hired interns, and of course the answer was "no."  However, God was smiling, he knew he needed me to leave Michigan for awhile. 

Though the general counsel office never hired interns, they just so happened to have an attorney going out on maternity leave for the summer, and we're going to be short-staffed.  They said maybe we could work something out, that I could fill in for the summer, since they are not allowed to replace people out on maternity leave, and it was not in their budget to take on another full-time attorney.  That was my opening, that was God's hand.  I stopped into the office on my spring break and met with the Senior VP of the general counsel office, and he said he'd get back to me, and suprisingly he did, he offered me a position for the summer in Cincinnati.

May came around, and I packed up my clothes, and put the rest of my stuff in storage and left behind friends, family, and a boyfriend of several years to try life in a new city.  Now, at the time, I told myself it was only 3 months and a resume builder. But deep down it was more than that.  I needed a break from a life where I felt pressure to follow someone else's timeline.  I didn't think I needed to be married by 23, and have at least one child by 24.  I didn't think that I needed to be a stay-at-home mom.  I didn't feel like staying in a place when there would be no potential to grow, meet new people, and develop new traditions.  I had been doing what I was supposed to for so long, I needed something new.

I found part of what I was missing that summer.  First, I found why God sent me to law school, I really loved what I was doing for a living, I was not the attorney that is the but of so many bad jokes, but I genuinely liked what I was doing--work was not like work had been at previous jobs.  Second, I found a church that met my needs.  I have always been a big participant in church communities, and I immediately found one that opened up their arms, before they even knew my name.  Through this church I have met many amazing friends and I am happy to say I am still in contact with all of them.  They are all part of my love story. 

I met 9 amazing girls in particular, who I had been missing all along.  There was Lars the opened-armed girl who loves people for who they can be, and accepts them for who they are.  There was Holly, the bubbly friend, who could listen with an open-heart.  There was Jenny who can make anyone laugh, stick up for her friends like an army, and shares her loving family with everyone.  There was Carmen, who truly understood how to be a disciple, and to follow the whim God gives you.  There was Audrey, a true servant, who showed God to others in her love for nature and the giving of her time.  There was Betsy, whose giggles could get a whole room turning to look at what was so funny.  There was Sally, who could always get the room to light up with her quirky since of humor, and what kind of party was it anyway, if she hadn't done a cart wheel yet?  There was Margie, the sensible one, who loves others by trying to take care of them even when they don't think they need the care.   There was Nikki, the girl who could truly teach you a thing or 2 about music, and how to have a good time.  My summer would not have been so amazing without these girls letting me in to be the 10th.  I learned more about the city I was living in than most people who have lived in Cincinnati their whole lives, I met more people than I thought was possible in 3 months time.  I experienced more fun in those 3 months, than I had let myself have time for in the past 10 yrs. 

Now, that was not the end of the love that summer.  I found that I loved the beauty of the city on my bus rides in and out of the city every mornin and night.  I found that I liked what the city had to offer me--still a large city, but not quite like being lost in New York or Los Angeles, here I could still run into a friend at the grocery store or on a morning Starbucks run on my way to work.  The city became one more love that summer. 

In fact I couldn't stay away.  I came back on breaks during that last year of law school, and sometimes just for the weekend to leave the Michigan weather behind and to see some faces I need to hug.  Which is why when November came and I had to choose a state to take the bar in, a state where I would probably be for at least the next 5 yrs while I started my law career, I knew hands down that I had to return to my loves.  I applied to take the bar in Ohio, and I finally found the courage to leave the guy I had been dating for years, but had stopped loving about 2 years before--I know sometimes I am slow to God's wake up call, and falling for the city and the friends I had there is what made my decisions so much easier. 

I found the courage to tell someone of my close friends and family that were still in Michigan that I needed to go.  I didn't tell them that GR didn't offer what I needed anymore, I just told them that my career was calling me elsewhere.  And come March, true to course the City called me back.  The bank needed me to cover another maternity leave for the summer, would I mind while working part-time while I studied for my bar exam?  I guess you could say, God is amazing at opening windows?  In May, I graduated, moved back in with my parents again, and began to look forward to setting my own time line for awhile.

I am still in love after two years. I still smile when the sun sets over the river on my drive home, and I get to enjoy the changing colors of the sky while I wind along the curves of Columbia Parkway.  I still enjoy the balmier weather, and the fact that each weekday I get to drive into my city to a career I find exciting. 

So what about the love story that ends with the ring?  Well, while I was home during the holidays of my last year in lawschool, I was ice skating with some of my girls, and one of our mutual guy friends--Joe.  And I saw for the first time, that maybe I wanted to be more than friends with this guy?  I kissed him on a whim after a movie a week later, not thinking anything about a relationship.  But that's what it turned into, he was the guy that would fly to see me for just a couple of hours, and then fly back if that is all the time he could find.   And a year and 3 months later, we were out with several friends celebrating another friend's completing the bar exam.  And after dinner, while hanging out at a bar down by the river, he hopped up on stage in front of a ton of people, and asked me to marry him.  I was happy to say "yes."  I have included pcitures of the ring below, but what I can't include in the pictures is what the ring symbolizes, and how much he means to me.  And come August 31, 2008 I look forward to saying not just "I do" but "I will."

So, for my sister Justine, here is my love story: there was this city, with these girls, and later this guy... But I think more importantly, there is this God who wanted me somewhere for a lot of reasons . . .

Shoutouts:

*Good luck to Maria and Wes, and Jeremy and Betsy on their nuptials taking place in the next week

*Congrats to Sally and Robbie on their recent engagement!